Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
