i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
