you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
