I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
