my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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