oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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