it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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