he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
as a side note pls kill me
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