I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
