Got a toothbrush?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
