If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
