i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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