I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
