the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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