so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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