come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
pop tarts are not kleenex
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
