where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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