I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
