I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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