I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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