this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
