Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
