Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize