oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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