I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
