i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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