words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
