I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
