i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
