The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
