I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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