I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
you never un-have a 4some
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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