naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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