Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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