my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
