: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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