my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
