My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
