how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
