I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
