oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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