Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
