Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
