My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
