he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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