turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
