Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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