Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
