I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
