I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
