Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
