Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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