I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
