I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
