So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
