Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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