After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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