alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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